Frankly, My Dear
by lydia the eleventh
Summary: OneShot. Fed up with being three points on a crazy love rectangle, Jack Sparrow, Will Turner, and James Norrington team up to get rid of Elizabeth Swann. Needless to say, everyone OOC!


_(Author's Notes – This piece is NOT to be taken seriously! Elizabeth is wildly OOC; Jack, Will, and James (Norrington) to a lesser extent OOC._

_Elizabeth-bashing abounds in this little ficlet, a joking attempt at the end of POTC: At World's End. Jack/Sea, Will/Ana, James/OC, Elizabeth all by her onesies. Savvy? _

_The (1) denotes a rough quote from a Shakespearean sonnet, the number of which escapes me. The title and the last line are from Rhett Butler's iconic last line in _Gone With the Wind _(Which is a wonderful book/movie!))_

**Frankly, My Dear … **

"Lizzie, luv, we've gotta talk."

Ah, there he was, the pirate of my heart, fresh from the fight – It quite made my girlish heart pound!

Behind Jack appeared my two former fiancés, both worn with the furious action in which I had – horror of horrors – broken two nails and gotten blood in my perfectly coiffed blonde locks!

"Elizabeth, I'd like to speak to you as well."

"And I also desire an audience with the vaunted Miss Swann."

I batted my eyes at Will and James, who both looked quite stern. Could it be that they, too, were to declare their undying love for me?

Oh, how difficult it was to be the loveliest and most desirable woman in the universe! How much hardship it incurred upon me! It was quite unbearable, I tell you.

"Yes, Jack, I will marry you!"

I squealed in glee and threw my arms around his neck, waiting for a hot make-out scene.

To my surprise, he extricated himself, putting a good distance between us.

"Sorry, but I told ye, me first an' only love is the sea."

I pouted a bit, but not to worry! I still had Will!

"All right, then! Will, I'll marry you!"

Will, my handsome, lovable, adorable Will, winced.

"Elizabeth, you betrayed me. While you were busy mourning Jack, Ana and I got on very well. She'd actually like you to be her maid of honor at the wedding."

Well, two men out of love with me? I never! Elizabeth Swann always gets what she wants! I just need to talk to my Daddy! Oh … oops. He's dead. Forgot about that.

Then I inherit! Yay! All of Daddy's money – think of all the frilly dresses and manicures I can buy!

Wait, I still need a husband.

"James, I will marry you, then!"

The newly promoted Admiral – oh, look at his shiny uniform – crossed his arms over his chest, exhibiting a shinier gold ring on his left hand.

"Irony, Miss Swann, is the humor of life. I'm quite afraid to inform you that during my tenure in Port Royal I met a girl to my liking, whom I married, so I do turn down your offer with little real regret."

What? Three men had turned me, Elizabeth Swann, down! This couldn't be possible! I was the prettiest, richest, smartest, most talented girl in the universe! Daddy!

While I pouted at the three, Jack stepped forward.

"Ye see, Lizzie -"

"You used each of us for your own ends."

"You killed Jack -"

"You betrayed Mr. Turner -"

"And ye broke Jamie's heart."

"And it's not that we don't love you, Elizabeth -"

"Because all of us still do -"

"But, frankly, luv, we've 'ad enough."

I mustered my most heart-rendering pout while throwing out my lovely cleavage.

"But you love me," I whined.

Will's step faltered, and he seemed a little unsure. I was winning! He loved me!

"Steady, Mr. Turner."

James shook Will's shoulder, and that horrid look returned to his face. How could they resist me?

"So, Miss Swann -"

"We have decided -"

"It's time to say ta-ta! Get her, gennelmen!"

I was seized by the trio, most unceremoniously, and thrown over the side of the _Pearl_. How dare they? The salt water would ruin my hair and my oh-so-perfect dress Daddy bought for me!

"But I loooooooove you!"

Jack, Will, and James leaned over the gunwales, and spoke most rudely to me in that order.

"Sorry, lass, it woulda never worked between us."

"Love is not love which changes … it is an ever fixed mark." (1)

"On behalf of Mr. Turner, Mr. Sparrow -"

"CAPTAIN Sparrow!"

"On behalf of Mr. Turner, _Captain_ Sparrow, and myself, I would like to say frankly, my dear Miss Swann, I don't give a damn."


End file.
